Bugger, it’s my turn by Emily Smart
It’s all very well Trevor setting these bloody challenges and me whole-heartedly agreeing to contribute after two pints of cider down the Franklin, but now I have to write the bloody thing.
Regular followers will know that my fellow bloggers have shared their innermost wants and desires of things they want to achieve, make happen or do before they’re six foot under or turned to dust. Should I be writing a bucket list at nearly 42? Given my constant eating of burgers, chocolates and pizza, coupled with my love of the pub and lack of exercise, then yes I probably should.
I thought it might be more entertaining to write a (look away if you’re squeamish) fucket list. You know, a directory of famous people I would like to sleep with; and when I say sleep, I actually mean shag. However, I don’t think Angela will let me get away with it, so if you want to discuss your f-et list and mine, let’s make a date down the boozer.
Here goes with my top 12:
- Ok, let’s start with something nice and controversial. I would like all Kiwi people to learn to speak properly. I say this as an English woman abroad and one who is probably going to get duffed up for making such an insensitive comment. However, the Kiwi accent drives me ‘mintel’ as they would say. There is absolutely no reason at all to say ‘ay’ at the end of every sentence. It’s ‘pear’ pronounced to sound like ‘fair’ not ‘peer’ which rhymes with ‘queer’. Go on, try and find the sound equivalent of ‘fush’ (for fish). See you can’t, because fush is not a bloody word. I could go on, but I have too many Kiwis in my life who will ‘kuck the crip’ out of me for slagging off the way they speak.
- I would like all people who drive badly to have their genitals removed – I probably don’t need to expand on this one. This also extends to people who are ignorant, patronising, rude and smile smugly when they beat me to the front of a queue.
- The Jaws franchise of films. If I could go back in time I would stop these being made so that I didn’t have a ridiculous fear of being eaten by a Great White while paddling at Clacton beach. The original film is with me every time I go into the sea, along with that der der, der der music. I did actually meet the ‘real’ Jaws while on a trip to Universal Studios. I was in a boat with a load of other tourists, waiting for him to rise out of the water and scare the brown stuff out of us. He merely popped up, opened his mouth and looked like a creased rubber puppet. SO WHY AM I STILL SCARED?!
- There are a number of hugely talented people in the world (now and in the past) who I would like to say thank you to face to face for making me laugh, cry, think, sing, dance or go ‘wow’. My runners and riders include: Victoria Wood, Alfred Hitchcock, The Beatles, Abba, Kylie Minogue, everyone connected with The West Wing and the same for Carry On films, Yoshitomo Nara, French and Saunders, and the chef at that Indian restaurant I went to the other night. There’s more, but I haven’t got all day.
- If it were at all possible, I would like to come back as Pussy Galore from the Bond film Goldfinger. Why? Well several reasons to do with looks, intelligence, and her ability to fly a plane, and of course my love of all things Bond, but mostly because of this: She is first seen after Bond wakes up in Goldfinger’s private jet after having been knocked out previously with a tranquilizer gun by Goldfinger. Her stunning blonde-framed visage leaning over him is the first thing he sees as he lies on a couch regaining consciousness, and the dialogue runs as follows:
James Bond: Who are you?
Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore.
James Bond: I must be dreaming
6. Andrew Lloyd-Webber – don’t ask.
7. Are you still with me? Enough of the frivolities and popular culture references, I should try and be serious for a few. So here goes at number 7: world peace, an end to starvation and equality for all throughout the world.
8. A day once a year when everyone is kind to each other.
9. In the same vein as above, a day off to go to an outdoor English type pub for cold lager and a ploughman’s lunch with lemonade and crisps for the kids – hmmm, seems to be a familiar theme.
10. For everyone I know to be happy and content with their lives.
11. For cafe bought hot chocolate to be hot rather than lukewarm. The clue is in the name! For cheese and tomato toasties to be cool enough to eat within 1 minute of reaching the table as opposed to the snack which causes third degree burns.
12. For Simon Cowell to get a make-over by Trinny and Tranny. Please ladies, sort out his terrible barnet, stop him from wearing tight sweaters that show his moobs, get him to wear jeans that are not pulled up under said moobs, and a decent pair of shoes sans Cuban heel.
I might have cheated on the last few, but c’est la vie as they say in Newcastle. Have a top weekend verbalberbal readers and feel free to share your bucket lists with us. I said bucket!