A Political Glossary for Cynics by Trevor Plumbly

Or Some Familiar Politician-Speak Explained in Layman’s Terms

“There is obviously widespread public concern over this matter and in the light of that concern; I have ordered an official enquiry.”
= It’ll take years and it’ll be a nice little earner for a couple of the old boys we owe. And by the time they deliver it’ll all be forgotten anyway.

“At times like this it is important to lay party politics to one side.”
= I’m in such deep shit that I’ll take help from anybody.

“This is an integral part of this government’s long term strategic plan.”
= Most of you will be dead before you realise it just ain’t going to happen.

“Despite the opposition’s protests, I do not see the wisdom of hasty action on this issue.”
= We’re going to do bugger-all about it.

“I am not prepared to comment on the abortion issue, it’s clearly a moral issue for every adult.”
= It’s always been a time bomb and women’s issues give me the heebie-jeebies.

“We welcome the involvement of the minor parties in this piece of legislation.”
= We need someone to blame if it’s a fizzer.

“I am pleased to announce that as a result of our policy of fiscal restraint, we are now in a position to increase funding to the health, education and police sectors.”
= The election’s not far off.

“Once again the media have taken my comments totally out of context.”
= Why can’t the bastards just print what I tell them to?

“I will be making a full statement in due course.”
= It’s such a balls-up I can’t think of anything to say at the moment.

“My government is heavily committed to passing this amendment into law.”
= I like ‘heavily’, ‘totally’ can come back and bite you.

“If re-elected I will introduce a major review of the judicial system.”
= Judges, lawyers and crims will hate it, but Joe Public will eat it up and who defines ‘major’ anyway?

“This budget is aimed at apportioning the revenue load across all sectors.”
= You’re all going to get shafted.

“This budget is specifically designed to stimulate commercial growth.”
= You’ll be OK if you’ve got a few bob but the rest are going to get shafted.

“The government does not plan to introduce any sweeping changes to the serious fraud laws.”
= There’s no more room left under the carpet.

“The Honourable Member’s version of the event seems to be at variance with mine.”
= He’s a lying turd but I can’t prove it.

“And I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Junior Member opposite on his elevation to the front bench.”
= All that arse-licking finally paid off.

“A conscience vote should always be given very serious thought; it’s the truest test of a member’s self-worth.”
= Dither a bit for show, but don’t forget which side your bread’s buttered.

“Freedom of expression should be protected and encouraged in this house.”
= As long as it doesn’t hold things up for the government.

“In reply to the Honourable Member’s question, I have the utmost confidence in the ability and integrity of the minister in question.” = He hasn’t been caught out yet.

“At the end of this parliamentary term, the voters alone will judge us.”
= The gullible buggers might just fall for it twice.

“Despite the bluster from the opposition, this government will maintain its position on welfare until the proverbial cows come home.”
= Or the next opinion poll, whichever comes first.

“As a result of public concern about the welfare bill, we have decided that some minor adjustments could be made.”
= The cows have arrived home.

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