A New Language or I Don’t Give a Shift Any More! By Trevor Plumbly

 

 A New Global Language

I envy no more my fellow bloggers’ higher educational achievements, nor their ability to write without constant use of the delete key. Not because I’ve been deluged with a storm of tolerance and self-deprecation; it’s just that I’m on the verge of something so bloody global I haven’t got time for minor things like comparisons. I am in the process of developing an entirely new language! Cynics among you may feel that we’ve got enough of them to go round, but mine will be of comfort and service to those not mentally equipped to parse Latin verbs or translate text messages.

 New Words Defined

Like most great discoveries, I struck this one quite by happenstance. As my eyesight gradually diminishes, so it seems does the ability of my keyboard to translate my thoughts accurately. At first this caused anger and frustration; then it occurred to me: I’ll be creating new words for the foreseeable future (excuse the pun); if I can’t type them to suit their meanings, why not define the ones that the keyboard obviously wants me to produce? If I’m going global on this thing a lot of caution is needed; misinterpreted words can cause problems. Visions of Viagra-fuelled old men being turned away from wharehouses and Bramen trying to explain that they don’t sell ladies’ underware are quite enough to underline the seriousness of the job in hand. Initially I was penning thoughts regarding the collapse of the job market in NZ and the angony…there it was, the first word in my new language, ANGONY! Put simply, angony is what those who read ‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Ayn Rand went through. A door opened, friends… and I entered with all the gutso of a latter-day evangelthingy.

 New Language Named

First of all, a name was needed to identify this new language to the masses that would use it, and also contribute to its content should they stumble on anything they feel worthy of inclusion. I’ve made the odd breakthrough in the past and always preferred to maintain a low profile, but I sincerely feel that I must put my name to this one. ‘PLUMBLISH’ will be a work in progress and, with readers’ support and input, will grow and create healthy debate between pupils and educationalists alike. I will endeavour to add one or two words at the end of each blog and I trust anybody encountering something suitable will forward it to enable me to add it to the lexicon.

Think about it! There will be fewer spelling errors: if it’s in ‘The Concise Plumblish’, it’s correct. ‘Scrabble’ will become ‘Squabble’ and a lot more interesting as a result. It’s all very exciting! Please remember you found it on Verbalberbal. I am not sure how Dr Johnson tackled the job, but I reckon I’ll start with one word for each letter of the alphabet and add entries as inspiration and your contributions arrive. Phonetic interpretations will be allowed and the editor’s decision on inclusion is final.

 A New Word for each Letter of the Alphabet

BAGATELL:                 Gossip in a massage parlour.

CONTRATEMPS:         The act of exchanging part-time staff.

DICSTRACTION:         Male politicians trying to get a grip on things.

EX PERT:                        Brigitte Bardot.

FOURTUNE:                  A Bach piece for quartet.

GRABAGE:                     An orgy in an old folks’ home.

HOARED:                        An encounter with an Alaskan call-girl.

IN GOT:                           Where Germans put their trust.

JAMUARY:                    The tight financial period after Christmas.

KANGUROO:                  A tinned food expert.

LUSTRUM:                     A five year adult party in Ancient Rome.

MONDANE:                    A dog who only needs exercise once a week.

NONDESCRIP:               A lack of shares on French Stock Exchange.

ODINARY:                      A follower of Nordic gods.

PROMPTITUDE:            He ate his meals on time.

QUAN TUM:                   Food poisoning in China.

RES TRAIN:                    Within commuting distance.

SH RUBBERY:                Keeping ones fetishes quiet.

TRAV AIL:                      Motion sickness.

UMBIBLICAL:               A birth in a religious family.

VIS COUS:                       A smarmy relative with a nasty streak.

WAS HOUSE:                  A demolished home.

XCALIBER:                     A short sword.

YARDBIRD:                    A 3 feet tall female companion.

ZOOLOGIC:                     The reason for caging wild animals.

 

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