Smug

I was watching Grand Designs the other night. It’s one of my ‘can’t resist’ programmes, along with Location x3. These shows remind me of Blighty, and I feel like the presenters, Kirstie, Phil and Kevin, are old mates. If they ever did come to New Zealand, I wouldn’t hesitate to invite them over for dinner and a few bottles of vino. Unlike Jimmy Carr. I happened to see him in a Japanese restaurant over the summer holidays. I looked at him, he looked at me; I smiled and he shot back a look that said, ‘Yes, what the hell are you looking at?’ I thought that was rude. He’s the one who’s famous; I was merely acknowledging him and demonstrating my British politeness. Comedian? More like a f***ing tosser.

Anyway, I was watching that smug old bastard Kevin McCloud on Grand Designs in between putting children to bed and making dinner. The couple featuring in this episode were both extraordinarily handsome with two beautiful kids and had been planning on building their own house for ten years. They had found a triangular plot (10 inch square from what I could tell) in North London that cost £450,000 and were preparing to spend an additional £200k on the build.

Arrogant

The bloke was very earnest. Throughout the long project he had beards, he had designer stubble, he had a selection of those posh scarves that make posh blokes look effortlessly cool. He also ran an electric taxi car business and was clearly minted. His other half was blonde, older looking and spent a lot of her air time baking cakes with the children and giving them to neighbours of the project to thank them for putting up with the noise. Oh, and to make up for cavalierly digging into their gardens to accommodate the basement of their 3 storey building.

Kevin did his usual popping in and out over the three year project. He does a lot of wincing and, ‘Oooh, not sure that’s going to work’, followed by comments such as, ‘They’ve run out of money; have they bitten off more than they can chew?’ spoken in a sardonic voice.

At one point, the swarthy bloke had to sell his business ‘to realise his house dreams’. He didn’t seem to have another job, which prompted me to wonder how on earth they could afford to do that. Who cares, cos fast-forward to October 2013 and ta-dah – their dream house was finished. Kevin went back for a nosey. He never apologises for suggesting his show’s house dreamers were barking mad in taking on the project or says, ‘I am terribly sorry I said that blah, blah window was a stupid idea.’ He just says things like, ‘Wow, I love that blah blah window, it really works.’

The finished house was without doubt amazing. The basement contained a lap pool, gym and sauna, the ground floor had spare rooms, living areas, studies and kitchens – yes an additional one for the self-contained nanny flat – while upstairs were more assorted bathrooms, bedrooms and some nice ready lawn outside.

Thankfully, in this episode we were spared the obligatory ‘unexpected’ pregnancy. This happens all the time on Grand Designs and also Location, Location, Location. Me and the other half reckon that Phil and Kevin impregnate all the women on their shows just to add a few extra twists and turns for the viewers’ delight. Instead we saw how the global financial crisis meant that the contractors building the project had gone into liquidation, having been in business for 25 years. And that for me was the rub.

Self-satisfied

In the end segment of the show, we had beautiful wife and handsome man discussing their overspend and announcing on international television that their final budget was over £900k, but it was so worth it because their house is unique and lovely and their children have space to play and dress up and laugh. It made me feel a bit sick. Whilst Kevin admired their drive, hard work, dedication and bravery, I didn’t. I just thought that they were self-indulgent beyond measure, and was reminded that showing off whilst pretending not to is never a good look.

I don’t think of myself as a bitter person and I certainly don’t resent people who have worked hard for their money. It’s not for me to dictate how anyone spends their cash, but in a world with so much poverty and despair these two moneyed types reminded me of Jimmy Carr – rich, smug, arrogant, self-satisfied tossers.