Bellyaches and pains by Trevor Plumbly

I’m OK . . . but?

In my advanced years I’ve noticed the conversation range is narrowing somewhat; not to put too finer point on it, it’s getting bloody boring! It’s like when the pension arrives; broad based conversation does a bunk.

I find discussing my, or another’s, internal well-being a bit limiting. I mean, the majority of us greet each other with a polite, ‘How are you?’ and up to the age of 60-odd you get an equally polite and brief reply, but, with age, you run the risk of hearing a sound track from an MRI scan. It’s not that I don’t care, because I do, but listening to a litany of medical menaces is depressing and as we all know depression isn’t good for your health.

You bet your life!

This sort of verbal medical swap meet is relatively new; these days, thanks to Google, the slightest twinge could be anything between sciatica and swine fever. Perfect strangers can hold in-depth conversations at the drop of a sneeze. If you think that’s exaggerating, get four or more of these together and you’ll end up with an ailment poker school with stakes ranging from the common cold to the genetically fatal full house. This sudden influx of public knowledge has forced the medical profession into obfuscation; thus anything short of a plane crash is camouflaged under ‘virus’.

A medical breakthrough                   ,

I am confidently predicting that pretty soon the ordinary GP will embrace technology and, like most of the folk we try to contact, hide behind a computer. Imagine the benefits! They won’t have to sit through dreary tales of aches and pains whilst shielding themselves from all sorts of infections. The patient simply describes or photographs the offending body part and bingo; the machine instantly spews out the diagnosis, prescription and the bill. Initially it’ll probably say virus, Panadol and $60, but what the hell, even oak trees grow from acorns. Anyway it saves sitting in a waiting room dodging someone else’s germs. This theory practically screams for proper research; the stuff would all be on file, so who needs doctors and medical schools? With a bit of twiddling the same formula could be applied to the law, even politics! Imagine, ‘One more peep out of you baby and I’ll jab the delete key.’ I tell you folks, heaven is just round the corner and it’s digital!

4 Comments on “Bellyaches and pains by Trevor Plumbly

  1. I don’t know about you, but when we meet friends we haven’t seen for a while, the first ten minutes are spent comparing illnesses and which medications we’re all on. Honestly, I had to give up work to keep all my appointments with doctor, dentist, opticians etc. Still’an’all it beats working although I don’t get paid for gossiping. Hey ho

    • Like I say, watch those oldies’ swap meets, they just get addictive. Experience has shown me that a good, stiff Gin and Tonic is far more beneficial than swapping maladies. Luv. T.

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